Love is Love

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics, and this isn’t really just about Prop-8.  And I don’t have a personal investment in this: I’m not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don’t want to deny you yours. They don’t want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.
Only now you are saying to them—no. You can’t have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don’t cause too much trouble.  You’ll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you’re taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can’t marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn’t marry?

I keep hearing this term “re-defining” marriage. If this country hadn’t re-defined marriage, black people still couldn’t marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn’t have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it’s worse than that. If this country had not “re-defined” marriage, some black people still couldn’t marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery.

Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not “Until Death, Do You Part,” but “Until Death or Distance, Do You Part.” Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn’t marry another man, or a woman couldn’t marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don’t you, as human beings, have to embrace… that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate… this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don’t have to help it, you don’t have it applaud it, you don’t have to fight for it. Just don’t put it out. Just don’t extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don’t know and you don’t understand and maybe you don’t even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

“I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam,” he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love.”

I don’t know what’s most helpful to say right now. 

To be honest, I was so excited about the results of the national elections that the outcome of Prop 8 didn’t register with me until today.  I’m pretty sure I’m still in denial and I’m also incredibly confused about what happened—I just don’t understand.

I would like to say to all of you that I’m very sorry that Prop 8 passed.  I imagine that many of you are shocked and sad and frustrated at being confronted with another roadblock, another delay, another affirmation of discrimination.

I know I’m stunned.  And sad.

And I’m watching.  All of you (most of you not from California) have pieces of paper in hand that acknowledge your marriage.  I KNOW BEYOND ALL DOUBT THAT MARRIAGE EQUALITY WILL WIN OUT.  I know this.  I’m sorry it wasn’t now.  One of the Sara’s (listed above) wrote me on election day:

“the good news that the Social Security office just sent me notice that they WILL be honoring the marriage license and will change my name!”

I find this encouraging, because this is a use of a legal document with an established bureaucracy to enjoy one of the almost 1200 legal rights/privileges that are afforded to legally married couples.  Right now, you and your marriage licenses are legal soup.  I encourage you to use them as much as you can!!

Mayor Newsom will continue to issue marriage licenses for same-sex couples in San Francisco until the city is sued over it and I will continue to marry gay and lesbian couples who seek my services. 

This will get worked out through the courts or through human dialogue or through over-burdened bureaucracies/legal systems.  Don’t lose hope!

I hope I don’t sound cavalier in asking you not to lose hope—I didn’t just marry a woman only to have the state where my license is held pass a proposition that no longer honors it. 

I invite all of you to renew your vows with me (free of charge, of course) when this finally gets worked out.  For those of you who have already had two union ceremonies, a civil wedding and your ceremony with me, I understand if you’re married-out.  Among you are some of the most married people I know (in quantity as well as quality)…  

Love and peace,
Sheila

I just returned from a spontaneous Marriage Equality March/Prop 8 Protest (they’re saying there were 1000 people, but it seemed like a lot more…)

I was napping and drifting in and out of awareness around 5:30pm when the helicopters started buzzing outside my window.  Frustrated that I don’t have a police scanner to hear what’s going on (I’m serious), I went to a local TV news website and saw that there was this protest. 

Melton & I were off…

We walked a block to Market Street and saw a sea of people with No on 8 signs–there were whistles and chants and bears, oh my.  SO many young people–SO “enheartening” for me to see–were SO energized and positive.  The statement of common purpose was clearly to protest the passage of Prop 8, but the mood was incredibly positive.

As Melton and I walked out the door, I thought how incredible it would be to see a couple I had performed a ceremony for.  We skipped across the intersection & down the block to Market and the first person I laid eyes on in the march was Vince–his was the first legal same-sex ceremony I performed in June.  I love those moments.

Giddy, swarming, filling the whole of Market Street and surrounding cars, the mass moved on through Church & Market to Castro & Market to Dolores Park.  Amazingly enough, all the cars who were held hostage by the march were beeping and people in the cars were chanting w/ the marchers E-QUAL RIGHTS!! E-QUAL RIGHTS!!  I’ve only been in a similar take-over-the-street-situation during critical mass on a bicycle and let me just say that I’ve never seen such generous drivers.  Thank you, Drivers of San Francisco!

As I was walking down Castro Street and looking at the marquis which is advertising the movie Milk, cars were beeping (taxis were beeping in support of the march), straight couples were marching with their kids in strollers and holding them in slings, people were coming out of the bars to join the march and I felt it again: we’ll win. 

Vince wrote me an eloquent email earlier today:

“I agree that we are on the winning side of history and it is only a matter of time. I believe this for several reasons. The rights of any minority have never been given by the majority. Rights, in this country, have been gained by fighting discrimination in the courts. And those who accused the judge who abolished laws against mixed-race marriages back in the ’60s are seen for what they were, bigots. In my experience bigotry is caused by fear based on ignorance. As all of us step forward, gay and straight, and tell our life stories, ignorance will recede. I am hopeful.”

AS I WRITE THIS, I HEAR THE VOICES ON MARKET STREET AGAIN.  We walked to Dolores, where everyone assembled (about 45 minutes ago).  There was a little talking & then a DJ started.  We walked home.  Now it seems that everyone is on the move again, the beeping is ongoing & the cheers are loud.  THE MARCH GOES ON AND I AM LEAVING TO JOIN IT AGAIN…

I can’t wait to see the celebration when this gets overturned…